Grief, leave me alone for awhile, please!

I have learned that losing my 15 year old son has been the hardest thing that I have ever experienced. I am often sad on the inside and it seems that no one cares anymore. Everyone thinks I should be over it by now. How can I ever be over it? I have lost my precious child, my best friend, my everything.

The nights are the hardest. I go to my daughter's room give her a night kiss, and turn around and see his closed door. He is not there. There are no more night kisses from him. There are no more hugs or tucking him in. I go to my room, lay in my bed and I fight the tears, the memories. This is when it is hardest to fight my grief, my sorrow, my pain. This is when the visions come without mercy. I see him lying in that ditch all alone. I see him lying in that hospital bed hooked up to all those machines. I see him lying in that coffin without that spark of life, without that twinkle in his eye, without that winning smile of his. These memories are so hard to push from my mind at night.

Throughout the day, I think of him a million times. I worry about him. I wonder if he is okay. I wonder if he is in Heaven or if his spirit is just out there ... lost ... lonely... afraid. I have to choose to believe that he is in Heaven, if I did not have this belief, I would surely be lost. But still...I worry.

The tears are just a memory or reminder away. My insides are shaking, the ball of lead is back in my chest. I just can't seem to climb out of this dark valley of grief that I have to travel through. The other side seems so very far away and I am so very tired. I wonder if I will make it to the other hill, to the sunshine, the warmth, the happiness.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to be happy again. I want my son back. This seems like a nightmare, but it is not, this is my life now. This is what I have to live. Everyday until I die. Will that be very long? I hope not. I miss my son....always...lost in the lonely dark world of grief.

Written by Natalie Camp mother of Anthony Paul Wodzinski
for Telfair Enterprise (Newspaper in Georgia)

In Memory of Anthony Paul Wodzinski
January 18, 1991– June 10, 2006


"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13

Aaron's Story